In honor of Valentines day I wanted to share this hilarious advice column from The Onion.
Enjoy, and remember condoms do not protect the heart, be safe tonight…
Eugene Mirman answers your questions about sex, life, and love
by Josh Modell February 13, 2009
Comedians Of Comedy Tour veteran and Flight Of The Conchords regular Eugene Mirman knows a little about telling you what to do: His website features a running advice column, Ask Eugene. He served as a “sexpert” for Maxim. (See video here.) And his new book, The Will To Whatevs: A Guide To Modern Life, offers advice on things like office parties, school, and “what to do with your fine arts degree in today’s capitalist world.” With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, we thought it would be appropriate to have our online readers submit questions about sex or love for Eugene to answer. And he did.
Does love really have anything to do with sex? I love my family and my friends, but I usually don’t have sex with them. So why do some girls want me to say “I love you” before they will have sex with me? Wouldn’t “I want to have sex with you” be more appropriate? —Scott
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Dear Scott,
Girls want you to say that because you’re in high school. Grownup girls just want you to call them dirty names, compliment them on their knowledge of current affairs, and act enthusiastic about their new hats. No one makes you pretend to love them anymore once you grow up; that only happens in the recent remake of Knight Rider.
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I’ve just recently gotten engaged, and my soon-to-be-wife and I are both kind of cash-strapped agnostics. It’s the first time for both of us, so we’d really like to do it right and include as many friends and family as possible. So my question is twofold: a) how to create a solemn and meaningful ceremony without a religious element and find the right person to officiate it, and b) how to make a nice wedding for 100 or so guests on the cheap. Please help! —Groomy Gus
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Dear Gus,
You should have a good friend get a license to officiate your wedding. It’s easy. Most states can give you a one-day certificate. Just make sure you tell him (or her) not to swear (nothing makes a wedding more weird than someone going, “Do you take this fucking man to be…”) Also, make sure they aren’t Wiccan or into emo. Next, find a cool space somewhere to rent or use—a nearby farm, a music venue, a well-off friend’s parents’ summer home. Buy all the food and liquor yourselves (or make it a pot luck and cash bar) and hire a few people to serve, clean up, and help out. Now the fun part—hire some celebrity impersonators. A few suggestions: Michael Jackson, Ashton Kutcher, Slash, Robert De Niro, and Roman Polanski. (No one knows what he looks like, so feel free to just get an old guy to walk around going, “I’m Roman Polanski!”) People will remember it. If you want to take it to another level, give the wedding a simple theme, like “beach wedding,” “Old West wedding,” or “barely legal.”
Why am I only attracted to Jews? —Mike
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Dear Mike,
Because God chose them to be the most special people in the world. Plus they’re demanding, which is very sexy.
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Big fan of the advice column on your site.My question concerns online dating.I’ve been at this for a week, and am surprised at how many obvious “form letters” I have gotten from dudes.How can dudes possibly not have figured out that we dames will be on to them and not respond? —Jenn
P.S. Will I ever find true love?
Dear Jenn,
Dudes are fools. However, you need to give proactive feedback instead of not responding. Guys share—they meet up all the time near abandoned churches to try and figure out what they’re doing wrong. You should respond to each form letter with, “Your form letter just lost you an after-coffee-date-blowjob, buddy.” Strike men where it hurts most—in the idea that they could have had simple, anonymous afternoon sex and messed it up.
P.S. Yes, you will find true love. It will be a little more difficult than it was in Pretty Woman, but not nearly as hard as it was in Return Of The Jedi.
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What is a good gift to give on Valentine’s Day to someone you have been going out with for a few months? —Brian K.
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Dear Brian,
There is a really cool service that turns photos into paintings on canvas. You should take a great photo of your dick and have it blown up into a cool painting. If you’re too much of a wuss to do that, then pretty earrings or something for her stupid cat.
Congratulations on a book. Saw you open for Stella back in New York, good stuff. Mr. Mirman, I must ask you the question whether or not you think it would a smart life choice to enroll in the Peace Corps. Now, I am only a high school senior. But when I go to college I want to just travel abroad. I’m going to attend college but afterward, instead of getting a job right away would joining the Corps seem reasonable? Thank you. —Brian
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Dear Brian,
Sure. It seems fine. Luckily, I think you’re asking what you should do five years from now—I can’t tell, because some of what you wrote is either in broken English, or a coded message for help. Good news! You can decide later. Joining the Peace Corps is totally reasonable, unless it changes by then and instead of educating and empowering disadvantaged peoples, it is solely an organization that sends upper-middle-class 20-somethings to Kenya and Mongolia to have sex while poor people watch.
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I don’t normally write for advice, but that bitch Miss Manners has repeatedly ignored my many e-mails. You’re the only one I can turn to. How much hotter than your partner(s) do you have to be to get them to do freaky stuff during sex? Do you have to be Angelina-hot to pull out the bit gag, or is Tina-hot sufficient? —Freaky in D.C.
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Dear Freaky,
You probably don’t need to be Angelina-hot. How freaky do you mean, though? “Put a finger in someone’s bottom” freaky, or “Dress up like a Nazi, cry, and jerk off on your feet” freaky? Regardless, this chart should help you:
Equal hotness = some spanking, mumbling dirty things
1 level hotter = Talking dirty (even if it’s embarrassing), wearing silly shoes
2 levels hotter = some weird butt-related things, kissing feet, yelling “Take it, bitch!”
3 levels hotter = pretending to be racist, having sex over and over ’til it’s unpleasant
4 levels hotter = three-way with same-sex person, filling pants with ice cream
5 levels hotter = peeing in a bathtub, wearing a zipper mask, punching each other
8 levels hotter = poop followed by self-loathing.
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I have recently begun hooking up with this guy.Problem is, while I just think of him as a casual thing, he’s recently been saying how he’s in love with me.I am definitely not in love with him, but I think he’s a nice guy.I told him that he should feel free to see other people, but he doesn’t want to.What do you think I should do? —Heartbreaker
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Dear Heartbreaker,
You have to break up right away. And stop telling him you want to be friends — he uses that information to power his sadness machine that runs on false hope. Okay? Thanks! Good luck. If that’s super-difficult, you can tell him it’s off, but then hook up once a month when you’re drunk for three months, ’til you both move on.
